Soapwatch with JACI STEPHEN: Is it the last order for Audrey?

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Coronation Street

As Audrey leaves the barber shop on Coronation Street, she collides with the motorbike and lands motionless on the ground

British soap operas have always been judgmental of TDD (The Demon Drink), but Corrie more so than most. Carla, Peter, Simon, to name just three – all of them are ill as a result of their addiction.

Older people are allowed the occasional sip, and nobody bats an eyelid when Evelyn asks for brandy refills. However, Audrey’s drinking problem seems to have come out of the blue.

Of everything one could criticize her for – parenting skills (lack of), hairdressing talent (again lack of), choice of men – TDD is certainly at the bottom of the list.

Tony’s teen idol

Corrie’s Tony Maudsley (George) was thrilled to share scenes with ex-Brookside actor Simon O’Brien (Frank). “As a teenager growing up in Liverpool I was a huge fan. I was thrilled to work with him.”

I blame the cooperative. Only since opening has she had easy access to wine (at much cheaper prices than at Dev’s, where you have to take out a second mortgage to buy a bottle of Shiraz).

Suddenly, Audrey stumbled home with sacks full of bottles rattling, and the family went into intervention mode — something they never thought to do with psycho David, by the way.

After Gail and David admonish her, Audrey decides to move back home – not that anyone would know as we haven’t seen her in weeks. Where did you keep her?

In a closet under the stairs? Unfortunately, that plan is doomed to fail when as she leaves the barber shop she has an altercation with the motorbike and ends up motionless on the ground (a stationary bike. Never a good sign but we’ve all been there. Haven’t we?? ).

There’s precious little for the elderly on the street to be happy about these days, and if they’re being denied alcohol now, what then? I’m a lot more worried about Adam’s new Harpo Marx look than I am about Audrey.

I mean, come on: he must have been drunk when he asked for this, right? Brings at least TDD problem

Stephen returns home when a worried Gail calls him, although he is furious that no one noticed Audrey was missing all night. You didn’t even realize she’s been missing for most of the year, mate.

The hilarious Sally/Tim double act picks up steam with a sex therapy session – recommended by permanent resident Dr. gaddas Now there’s a woman who could use a strong drink.

EAST OF

After confessing to Martin about spending the night with Sam, Zack agrees to tell Nancy the truth in EastEnders

After confessing to Martin about spending the night with Sam, Zack agrees to tell Nancy the truth in EastEnders

Everyone stand up for the Baker Boys…

Carter, Taylor, Slater… The formula EastEnders seems to use for new families is two syllables and ends with an R. The show has heralded a number of newcomers – the Bakers (spot the pattern!) – whose arrivals are later will wreak havoc this summer . Heaven forbid anyone does anything else when they arrive on the pitch.

Avery Baker (Omar Lye-Fook) is Mitch’s estranged brother and is accompanied by his sons Felix (Matthew Morrison) and Finlay (Ashley Byam). You were warned about Walford, weren’t you?

Hmmm. As beautiful as Sam is, would Zack really have been that stupid to spend the night with her and jeopardize everything he has with Nancy, who he worked so hard to win back?

It’s like winning the lottery and blowing it all on a horse just because you can. Don’t buy (the plot, not the horse).

At least he has the decency to be racked with guilt (closing the stable door after the horse bolts – probably the one who lost the hypothetical race, but I digress…) and his guilt gets worse when a courier enters touching gift brings Nancy.

After confessing everything to Martin, he agrees to tell Nancy the truth. Martin? For real? Walford’s town crier?

The only time Martin doesn’t reveal all the secrets is when he takes a sip of his pint. Zack changes his mind and decides to keep the secret from Nancy (why do I sense another no more secrets, no more lies speech coming?) and suggests throwing a party if Kathy has a plaque for her Tina sets up at The Albert.

Enough of Tina! Since she went into hiding, she’s been through more name checks than ever before.

Despite Sam saying she’ll keep quiet, the party is ruined when… yes, you guessed it, Nancy discovers Zack’s dirty secret. For once, we don’t have our resident Town Crier to thank for the revelation.

EMMERDALE: AL’S OFFER IS A RED RAG FOR A BULL FOR CHAS

In Emmerdale, Chas and Al begin to bond over a bottle of wine and soon they're sharing a passionate kiss

In Emmerdale, Chas and Al begin to bond over a bottle of wine and soon they’re sharing a passionate kiss

Playing with fire is one thing; Being an emotional arsonist is on a whole other level. What on earth is Chas thinking when Al encourages her to let him be her boyfriend?

Talk to a bull on red cloth; when it comes to Chas, a red dot is encouragement enough. Sure enough, as the pair approach over a bottle of wine (an eyebath with vino would be enough to weaken Chas’ defenses), they soon share a passionate kiss. Never happy, right?

Prepare to hold your remote control in fast-forward as Pablo Escobar pops up as more boring stuff about Leyla’s new incarnation emerges. Coke, Jai, Suzzzzzzy, Dealerszzzzzzzz.

Feel free to take a long, long nap – you don’t have to wake up before this boredom passes.

Poor Liam. He has no idea what’s going on with his wife, but then he has the constant stare of someone who has woken up in a foreign country and has no idea.

Jonny McPherson is a fabulous actor (really heartbreaking stuff since his character came to terms with the death of his daughter), but can’t they keep him happy for a few months?

Even a day would be good. OK, one hour. One minute, one second – everything. Liam really needs to get back together with Bernice.

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